Last night I was drunk and decided to get a fried egg on my banh mi. It totally blew my fucking mind and made me reconsider my purpose on this planet.

Doritos myth: Debunked

Yesterday the New York Times posted an article detailing the "science" that makes Doritos taste so goddamn good.  As our loyal Bro's readers know, we're experts in Doritos chemistry, history and lore.

Our homage to the 3D dorito is the most read article on the site and is regarded as a "must read" for all Doritos enthusiasts.  So I feel it is our duty to debunk the misinformation the Times so careless printed.  This excerpt is especially offensive:

Frito-Lay goes first class here with domestic Romano cheese, an expensive ingredient you won’t find in many other brands. (The company even refrains from using preservatives in many of its chips.) Romano is packed with its own taste enhancers.

Seriously?!  Romano cheese?  That shit is for the birds and dude's that look like that clown from Cake Boss.  So allow me to explain the real story behind the casein-tastic super cheese found in our beloved Doritos.

The cheese smothering each regal Doritos chip stems from a thousand year old recipe first perfected by the Inuit population from what it is now the Canadian province of Nunavut.  After crossing the land bridge from Russia around CE 1000, the Thule Inuit's traveled West, eventually replacing the Paleo-Eskimo's in the Canadian Arctic.  Around CE 1350, the climate began to cool in what is now know as the little ice age.  As bowhead whales began to disappear from the high Canadian arctic, the Inuit population had to find a new food source.  This forced them to move south, below the treeline, where they came across the bovine species bovine frigidiorem villa.  The teats of this species produces the cooler ranch milk that is used to produce the cheese used in our beloved cooler ranch Doritos.  Yes, cooler ranch milk does indeed predate nacho cheesier milk. It wasn't until about 50 years later that the Algonquian peoples independently discovered the species bovine nacho casium-er, which is responsible for the nacho cheesier taste we all know and love.  It was only around the late 18th century that nacho cheesier milk began to be the more preferred of the two.  On his deathbed, Walt Whitman wrote:

N.C., Nacho Cheesier -- I've decided is undoubtedly the more formidable snack cheese.  after 33 y'rs of hackling at it, all times & moods of my life, fair weather & foul, all parts of the land, and peace & war, young & old

And though Doritos we're not devised until the 1960's, there are proto-ritos dating back to the the turn of the 20th century.  At the 1893 Chicago world's fair, a Welch immigrant by the name of Llewellyn Pritchard revealed his newest snack food to the world.  He called it them Cheesus Grahams, which were simply Graham crackers covered in finely ground nacho cheesier powder.  This simple but delicious treat was a hit at the fair, with some attendees declaring them more impressive than Westinghouse's newly developed light bulbs, which illuminated the fair.

Mr. Pritchard would later profess that the idea for the crackers was delivered to him by the archangel Gabriel, thus the reference to Christ in the product's name.  Unfortunately, Mr. Pritchard lost the recipe forever when he left it in an armoire he bestowed upon a friend when the friend's armoire was stolen by a group of "street toughs".

So there you have it, the real story behind the nachos cheesier goodness.

Meat of Meats

Yesterday, I ate a cheesesteak with sausages in it. My God.

Tomorrow I'm going to get the same thing with bacon.

Look at my food

I want to preface this by saying this has been a long time coming. I've been so super busy lately and haven't had time to post anything but I just want to take a moment today and thank all of you who have been liking and commenting on my pictures of food and drinks.

This morning, I posted a picture of my breakfast and by 11:00, I already had 11 likes and 6 comments. Jamison Pezdek commented "yummy!!" and Mike Kinton wrote, "OMG, I love cream cheese. Is that Philadephia?"I was so overwhelmed by your support that I welled up a little. I did. It's just so amazing to know that I have so many good friends who care about the stuff I put in my mouth.

Every day, I look at my newsfeed and all I see is self-aggrandizing bullshit. Look at my baby. Let me tell you how happy I am in my relationship. Read this important article. I'm listening to The Jonas Brothers on Spotify. Oooooh, you're getting married? Nobody cares. Post something selfless. Post something everybody cares about. Post something real and worthwhile. Post a picture of your food. Try it. It feels good and it will be well received.


Are you eating? Tell everybody about it. And, take a picture. Who are you with? Where are you? The internet wants to know. Did you make it yourself? I'd certainly appreciate a picture. And and and, if you didn't already, next time, post pictures along the way. I want to see the raw ingredients. I want to see your awesome fucking dinner being made in real time. It's easy, you'll get the hang of it in no time. I promise.

To help you get started, let me give you a few tips:

• If you're drinking a beer, try to capture the sunlight shining through the glass with a low angle. It'll give that bottle or pint glass a really wonderful aura and it'll make everyone super jealous of that Coors Banquet you're drinking.
• You can really spice up a cheap meal with an Instagram filter. Next time you're about to drive a hamburger or corn dog into your gut, turn on the sepia filter and snap a pic. Everyone on the internet appreciates a rustic looking BBQ scene. Everybody.
• Don't just take a picture of your plate. Think of your food pictures as still lifes. Take some time to arrange those wine bottles, fruit bowls and salt and pepper shakers in the background.  
• Don't forget that you can take pictures when you're done with your meal. People will definitely want to see that empty plate.  
• Add a description. You might know what's in that Starbucks cup but I don't. Is it a grande caffee latte or is it a vanilla chai? Tell me. I need to know. Show a little fucking enthusiasm while you're at it, please. A few dozen exclamation points never hurt.
• Get a goddamn SLR camera already.

I think you're really going to like posting pictures of your food. Honestly. Try it. I'll surely be there to like your pics and support you along the way.

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Sushi Buffet: Lunchtime Blessing or Menace to Society?

Hail Maki, full of rice, wasabi is on thee
blessed art thou amongst seaweed
and blessed is the fish of thy center, Spicy Tuna

Holy Maki, vessel of soy sauce,
pray for us sushi-eaters,
now and at the hour of our food poisoning, Amen