Delivery or DiGiorno?

Hunger is a bitch. Sure, food tastes good. Some food even tastes really good (hot pockets, hot dogs, and pretty much anything else with ‘hot’ in the name). Sometimes, however, increasingly violent pangs of hunger simply do not provide enough motivation to find adequate sustenance. Whether you are in bed, on the couch, or in any other room that is not the kitchen, it is often difficult to muster the energy required to achieve satiation. Even if you make it to the kitchen, it is more than likely that the long, grueling journey to the refrigerator will have rendered you physically incapable of opening a bag of marshmallows, let alone a mammoth refrigerator door. That’s some serious resistance (stay tuned for a future informational entry on how to utilize every-day household products for minimum resistance exercise to prevent complete muscular atrophy). Successfully prying the fridge door open, despite being a Herculean feat, is hardly the final obstacle. Further obstructing the potential hunger satisfaction is the fact that not every item in the refrigerator is prepared for immediate consumption. Other than fresh fruit (gross) and vegetables (super gross), most refrigerated items are housed in some kind of container. These containers must be opened and their contents often mixed with other items to be properly enjoyed. This process is difficult enough when you are already in the kitchen, but if you’re on the couch and immersed in a Deadliest Warrior marathon on Spike TV, it’s damn near impossible. If you can’t stand the hunger any longer and only five minutes remain before the climactic reenactment between the feudal Samurai and U.S. military sniper, there is only one solution: making someone else bring you food. As the poor soul in the hypothetical above is obviously unlikely to have a serious girlfriend, he would be unable to command a spouse to do his bidding. Even if the average Spike TV watcher somehow manages a romantic relationship, it is clear that the lack of respect for the bro-show watching boyfriend would preclude the already suffering girlfriend from stooping so low as to prepare food for this mongoloid. Enter delivery…

Food delivery has ushered in a new age for humanity and has eliminated the last vestiges of the hunter/gatherer instinct in all who seek its service. Able to satisfy all hunger and quench all thirst with the least effort imaginable, food delivery has allowed the human race to focus on far more admirable pursuits, such as watching television or riding motorized scooters on city sidewalks. Ordering delivery is not merely a means to an end, however. It is an art form. For example, one must be aware of the best dishes a restaurant has to offer without ever setting foot in the restaurant itself. Moreover, the sharp delivery service user should possess extensive knowledge of price comparisons between restaurants, special offers, heavy traffic hours, and how many sides of honey mustard can be obtained without paying extra. The home setting also factors in. Only the most experienced orderers are able to predict a delivery driver’s speed or a pizza chef’s backlog of orders with any accuracy, so it is of primary importance to limit transaction time on the ordering end. This can be achieved a number of ways. One oft-encountered situation involves becoming hungry while playing video games. Here, it is important to maximize production and minimize waste. In order to make the best of the time available it is crucial to always have at least one hand on the controller. Relinquishing grip for even a moment wastes time and could cause you to miss crucial items, like health or ammo. Following this no-free-hands approach, the most logical method of ordering is the speakerphone. Reaching into a pocket or onto a table requires the use of one hand, but this is allowed as it is only temporary and the other hand is still firmly gripping the controller. The left hand is recommended for the reaching because the right hand is closer to the buttons on most standard controllers. Open the phone, press the speaker button, and hit redial (because you clearly ordered from the same place yesterday). Both hands can now be returned to the comfortable confines of the controller and an order can be placed. Memorization of your address and phone number is also highly recommended to streamline this process.

Another situation that would leave the world helpless without the blessing of delivery is faced when you are watching a movie and it looks like Ryan Phillippe is totally about to win the heart of the sexy, yet shy class nerd। The video game speakerphone method outlined above does not apply here for two reasons. The first reason is the noise factor. You might be watching Phillippe making his move and fall into a heated battle with the person on the phone about whether they can substitute jalapeno poppers for fries. The next minute, Freddie Prinze, Jr. is slow dancing with the hot nerdy chick and you have no idea what happened to Phillippe. The other reason for avoiding the phone is the 95% chance that you’re totally baked and couldn’t follow the plot of a Care Bears movie, let alone coherently order a buffalo bomb pizza and onion rings. Luckily for the stoner, and the restaurant employee on the other end of the phone line, food can be ordered for delivery online. This allows both free customization of the many items on a restaurant’s menu at the click of a mouse and full concentration on the inevitable slap-fight between Ryan and Freddie. You might have to pause the movie to get the food when it arrives, unless a roommate mistakenly thinks the door is for him, but this is a small price to pay for otherwise avoiding all contact with humans and refrigerators.