Ode to Fry

Sweet Jebus Christ, I fucking love fried food. French fries, fried chicken, mozzarella sticks, onion rings, fried shrimp, egg rolls, etc., and so forth. What is the essence of fried food? I have seen the essence. I have tasted the essence. I have passed the essence and gone back for more tasty fried essence. The essence is the fried outer layer; the "skin" if you will.

The skin defies explanation. If you've never had it before, you cannot possibly understand. Any description would lead your mind astray and you would probably be disgusted. This is incorrect. However, if you have tried the skin (and if you are an American male, there is no doubt that you have and you are addicted) the mention of fry waters the mouth. Personally, if I hadn't just finished eating 25+ bufalo wings, I would need to cease writing this article and make a phone call (refer to Mr. Kinton's June 3rd Bro-Post). But, alas, my belly is full and my fry-sense satisfied. However, I'll attempt a description; golden, crispy, salty... umm... delicious... and so on.

I have no idea how they make fry. I understand that hot oil is involved, and some sort of batter, and a dipping action with a metal basket. This is all I know, this is all that I need to know. My relationship with fry is need-to-know (obviously) and this is beyond satisfactory. As far as I can tell, dipping battered food into hot oil coats the food in magical, fantastic stuff that elicits a supremely positive reaction from the taste buds.

After 3 or 4 minutes of exhaustive research, I've definitively concluded that there is no way to recreate deep-fat-fry technology within the confines of one's apartment (or parent's house). The best way to get at fried foods is to go to the source; the restaurant. This is optimal, despite all the effort it takes to move your body to the food-gettin'-place, the fry-skin is always at its absolute peak moments after exiting the hot-as-shit oil. Alternatives include ordering delivery from such fantastic establishments as AK's (should you be fortunate to be in the Roxbury-Mission Hill locale) or your best local chinese restaurant (undoubtedly Food Wall. more info on this to come in future posts). The main issue with fried food delivery is that with every passing minute, the fried food becomes soggier and soggier, grossifying its styrafoam container or making the paper bag container completely translucent. It's still very much edible and good, but the tasty-factor drops logorithmically with time. Thus, I prefer and recommend to our dear readers that fried food be enjoyed at its source.

Be warned though; eating fried foods at their peak tastiness can cause severe mouth-gullet burns for the unprepared। The best way to combat this is patience; eat all fried foods at their peak every time and your mouth will eventually develop a burn callous over the entire surface of the mouth and tongue that will protect from future burns. This takes time to develop, however. Some may take weeks, some months, others years, but rest assured that once your mouth has adapted to foods of temperature exceeding 400 degrees (Fahrenheit), nothing can stop you.