Look at my food

I want to preface this by saying this has been a long time coming. I've been so super busy lately and haven't had time to post anything but I just want to take a moment today and thank all of you who have been liking and commenting on my pictures of food and drinks.

This morning, I posted a picture of my breakfast and by 11:00, I already had 11 likes and 6 comments. Jamison Pezdek commented "yummy!!" and Mike Kinton wrote, "OMG, I love cream cheese. Is that Philadephia?"I was so overwhelmed by your support that I welled up a little. I did. It's just so amazing to know that I have so many good friends who care about the stuff I put in my mouth.

Every day, I look at my newsfeed and all I see is self-aggrandizing bullshit. Look at my baby. Let me tell you how happy I am in my relationship. Read this important article. I'm listening to The Jonas Brothers on Spotify. Oooooh, you're getting married? Nobody cares. Post something selfless. Post something everybody cares about. Post something real and worthwhile. Post a picture of your food. Try it. It feels good and it will be well received.


Are you eating? Tell everybody about it. And, take a picture. Who are you with? Where are you? The internet wants to know. Did you make it yourself? I'd certainly appreciate a picture. And and and, if you didn't already, next time, post pictures along the way. I want to see the raw ingredients. I want to see your awesome fucking dinner being made in real time. It's easy, you'll get the hang of it in no time. I promise.

To help you get started, let me give you a few tips:

• If you're drinking a beer, try to capture the sunlight shining through the glass with a low angle. It'll give that bottle or pint glass a really wonderful aura and it'll make everyone super jealous of that Coors Banquet you're drinking.
• You can really spice up a cheap meal with an Instagram filter. Next time you're about to drive a hamburger or corn dog into your gut, turn on the sepia filter and snap a pic. Everyone on the internet appreciates a rustic looking BBQ scene. Everybody.
• Don't just take a picture of your plate. Think of your food pictures as still lifes. Take some time to arrange those wine bottles, fruit bowls and salt and pepper shakers in the background.  
• Don't forget that you can take pictures when you're done with your meal. People will definitely want to see that empty plate.  
• Add a description. You might know what's in that Starbucks cup but I don't. Is it a grande caffee latte or is it a vanilla chai? Tell me. I need to know. Show a little fucking enthusiasm while you're at it, please. A few dozen exclamation points never hurt.
• Get a goddamn SLR camera already.

I think you're really going to like posting pictures of your food. Honestly. Try it. I'll surely be there to like your pics and support you along the way.

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Sushi Buffet: Lunchtime Blessing or Menace to Society?

Hail Maki, full of rice, wasabi is on thee
blessed art thou amongst seaweed
and blessed is the fish of thy center, Spicy Tuna

Holy Maki, vessel of soy sauce,
pray for us sushi-eaters,
now and at the hour of our food poisoning, Amen

Easy Fries: The Future is Now

Being a very lazy vegetarian, I eat a lot of french fries. They probably account for 30% of my diet and 100% of the reason my triglycerides are twice the normal level of people my age. 

Occasionally I have the luxury of waiting 15 minutes for the fries to cook in the oven or the 20 minutes it takes for delivery. However, most of the time I come home ravishingly hungry, palms sweating, fiending for some oily starch. I don't want them, I NEED THEM. That's where Easy Fries come in. They cook in 4 minutes, which is about the time it takes for me to power on my Xbox and start a team deathmatch game. I called Ore Ida and confirmed that this is not a coincidence. They were indeed designed to be nuked in parallel with starting a Call Of Duty sesh. 

Due to advanced tin foil technology, these aren't soft like re-microwaved takeout fries. They come out crispy as fuck and are just waiting to burn the shit out of your mouth. 

Even though they contain over 700mg of sodium, you'll want to be sure to add at least 6 of the salt packets you took from McDonalds the other day. For the more advanced bros, try dousing your fries in your favorite hot sauce. For a refreshing beverage, I recommend pairing Easy Fries with a 22oz Diet Dr. Pepper-- it has great legs and its subtle hints of vanilla and caramel play nicely on the palate with the saltiness of the fries. The beverage's natural acidity also helps to cut through the heaviness of starch.  

So there you go, we can finally break free from the oppressive shackles of our ovens. No longer must we blankly stare at the word preheat for what seems like an eternity. Stuff your face with some goddamn easy fries and frag some newbs.