Louisiana-Style Bulgarian Meat Paste Medley

This old-timey, deep-south Slavic favorite has been a staple of Mardi Gras and Balkan-region Orthodox celebrations alike since the advent of the modern printing press, though some historians argue that the recipe has origins dating back to the fall of the great city of Constantinople (or Tsargrad as it is known by the Slavic peoples). The story goes that the great Emperor Constantine, faced with the inevitable destruction of his beloved city, was afforded the opportunity to save but one relic from the fiery inferno that threatened destruction of his entire homeland. That relic, it is said, was the original recipe for Louisiana-Style Bulgarian Meat Paste Medley scrawled on a withered scroll of papyrus. Many highly decorated scholars have credited Constantine’s preservation of this sacred recipe as the most important achievement of his entire reign as Emperor – narrowly edging out his pivotal role in the global spread of Christianity. Perhaps more impressive than his heroic feat in rescuing the recipe from the grips of the mighty blaze was that the dish itself, which had been in the Emperor’s family for generations, prophetically referenced the yet-unfounded sovereign states of Louisiana and Bulgaria. This Nostradamic mystique only adds to the allure of this tantalizing dish that has ravaged the very souls, and colons, of all who have dared to indulge. So, without further pause, I present to you the hallowed recipe in all of its original, unadulterated glory:

Ingredients:
Note: unless otherwise indicated all measurements are based on the volume of the hollowed out skull of an adolescent mountain goat (roughly 4 oz.)

• 4 goat skulls of freshly slaughtered thigh of baboon (preferably from the mountainous region)
• 8 goat skulls of cured and salted stallion (if stallion unavailable, donkey is a savory substitute)
• 2 goat skulls of tree sloth
• 2 goat skulls of ground sloth
• 2 goat skulls of flying sloth (much more difficult to find; use extra tree sloth if necessary)
• 1.5 heretic skulls of heathen intestine (very important to use the heretic’s own skull to handle his/her intestines because the satanic organs would sear right through the supple skull of the adolescent goat)

Directions:

• Add all ingredients, except intestines, to a large cauldron
• Leave the room and direct a peasant or slave to add the intestines to the cauldron, as even the slightest mishandling of the heretic’s devilish parts could trigger massive spontaneous combustion
• Re-enter the room with a large staff anointed with holy water and mash all ingredients into a paste
• Add tears of the heretic to taste
• Enjoy with your favorite tortilla chip (Tostitos with lime recommended)

Serves 15-20 peasants and serfs or 3-4 noblemen of the aristocracy