Mayonnaise: Harmless Condiment or Scourge of Society?

Mayonnaise. For some, the very mention of the word sends a cold shiver down their spine and instantly triggers the gag reflex. For others, it stops them dead in their tracks, transforming them into panting, drooling zombies satisfied only by a dollop or two of the gooey white substance. Still others wonder, perhaps like you dear reader, what all the fuss is about over such a seemingly innocuous complement to deli meats. Well, if you stop whining for one second I’ll tell you what all the goddamned fuss is about.
Proponents of mayonnaise (known colloquially as ‘mayo’) base their argument on two basic principles. First, they argue, it is delicious. This part of their argument is highly subjective and therefore quite difficult to refute. Retorting with ‘it’s not delicious,’ or even the more stinging ‘it totally sucks and makes you a fatass,’ accomplishes little more than the ignition of a childish debate that is impossible to win. This study clearly has higher aims than relegating itself to such sophomoric mud slinging and so we move on to the second prong of the mayonnaise advocates’ argument.
Focusing on the more scientific aspects of the mysterious condiment, the proponents claim that the basic ingredients of mayonnaise, eggs and vegetable oil, are harmless and consumed by healthy people every day. It logically follows, they assert, that mayonnaise itself is a perfectly healthy product fit for human consumption. The rebuttal to this assertion may not be obvious to the layman, but ignoring it may have dire consequences for it makes the grave mistake of assuming that two harmless products, when introduced with one another, will constitute an equally harmless product. An example of this logical flaw can be found by examining the three substances known as sulfur, charcoal, and potassium nitrate. These compounds present little danger alone and can often be found in high school science labs across the country. Mix the three together, however, and you have a substance responsible for the slaughter of countless human beings across hundreds of years: gunpowder. Does mayonnaise possess a similarly devastating power capable of annihilating the entire human race? Perhaps not. But I, for one, am unwilling to find out. Tread carefully dear readers…