Sweet, Sweet Hot Dogs

Hot Dogs. Two words that will stop me dead in my tracks, allowing my tongue to loll out of my mouth and drool to dribble off my chin. But what is it about these magical, weiner-shaped mystery packages that makes so special, so much more unique than, oh, let's say iceberg lettuce (not that I'm knocking iceberg lettuce, that shit is great as a burger garnish, etc.). Well, let's delve deep into the wonderful world of hot dogs:

Hot dogs (or as the Native Americans called them, maize dogs) are indigenous to American Soil and have been cultivated for at least 3,000 years. Anthropologists studying the Pueblo Indians have uncovered fossilized hot dogs (maize dogs) within the guts of mummified sacred tribal leaders dug up on various anthropological digs and teenage joy rides; obviously, they have been delicious for far longer than the white man can conceive. Hot dogs grow on bushes that resemble rhododendrens in schlong-shaped bunches of 10. Never more. Never, ever less. The Hot Dog Tree is known in the scientific community as Calientus lupus and is taxonomically located within the Sausage genus. Indeed, hot dogs are very closely related to their cousins, the Sausage and the Keilbasa, although their biological ranges are quite different. It is generally agreed upon among evolutionary Hot Dogologists that these wonderful species share a common ancestor dating back to the Late Cretaceous and there are some crackpot theories that their evolution led to the artery-clogged downfall of the dinosaurs, or at least the fat ones.

So where do hot dogs come from today? To answer this question, I went  the grocery store and stared blankly at meat isle until I was politely asked to leave. After quietly vacating, all of the answers came to me in a hallucination I had, a day-dream if you will. Hot dogs are farmed all over America and the rest of the Earth in almost exactly the same fashion as the Native Americans, grown in bushes in bunches of 10. Interestingly, the hot dog bush must be grown in direct proximity of the hot dog bun bush, which only grows buns in bunches of 8. Dedicated Hot Dogologists have been hard at work for centuries to solve this great mystery of life, but the truth is as elusive as ever. Anywho, the hot dogs and buns are grown together on massive farms, a few of which are visible from outerspace, or at least from innerspace and middle space. They are protectively and hermetically sealed and shipped all over the country where they can be purchased for a nominal fee in your food jobber. You can acquire them in the same fashion that you would get some doritos, or Mt. Dew, except that hot dogs are located in the meat isle because they must be kept cold for some reason. 

So! Now you have a 10 pack of delicious HDs and an 8 pack of tasty buns. That is great. You can cook the hot dog in a variety of ways; you can grill them, boil them, microwave them (preferred) or just eat 'em cold. If you freeze them and then cut them up into little medallions, they even make fantastic ice cubes in fancy cocktails! 

So now that you know more about the history of hot dogs, you can truly enjoy their heritage with every bite. 

Next week: How to relish your relish - Dressing your Hot Dog up for a night on the town!